Dreamer

I'm sitting here listening to a piece I orchestrated and recorded yesterday. You'll be able to hear it soon over there to the right on my Reverb Nation player. It's not quite finished yet. It's nothing new. I remember writing it when I was maybe 14 or so. At that time, in Las Vegas, there was this local New Age composer named Giovanni, and he had a weekly show on PBS or something. They would play his music with really cheesy green screen videos. He'd be playing a clear piano with color swirls happening all around him -- like old Windows screen savers.

At the time, I was really into New Age music. Well, that sounds funny. New Age is such a broad musical term. I was into instrumental music, mostly based around the piano. Personally, I think of them as modern compositions with a pop music bias-- in that they have sort of a pop structure with no vocals. There are "hooks" and repeating "choruses." I was mostly into Giovanni and John Tesh at the time, but eventually discovered Jim Brickman, and then stopped listening to that type of music alot.

I discovered "sequencing" back then, too, and would stay up till really late at night "orchestrating" little tunes I would write. I learned alot about how music is put together. My old Korg O1W/fd doesn't work anymore, so I've lost all access I had to those pieces. I'd love to hear them now to see how I've grown (or haven't).

Now, almost 15 years later, I find myself doing the same thing. This time, though, I'm hoping to make a career out of it. Last night was so surreal, as I took a piece I wrote, barely out of Jr. High, and fashioned it into a somewhat mature musical offering.

I've been recently going back to all the instrumental stuff I wrote way back when I was younger, because there's something so pure about it all. Every tune was a revelation. I'd sit down and just start playing, and discover a new chord or progression or something, and it would inspire this piece to take shape. Then, I'd play my little pieces for myself. Over and over I'd play them, rarely sharing them with anyone, always dreaming I'd record them some day, or play them in my own show. I would stay up late recording them, usually giving the prettier melodies to the oboe, because that's a good instrument for pretty melodies.

I miss the discovery of that time. I miss the output of that time. I write less now. I don't know why. I hate feeling like I'm creatively dry. I know I'm not. I'm actually a better musician now. I mean, technically, I could sit down today and probably improvise as well as I used to compose, which means I should be able to compose even better. It just takes more work and more thought now. I welcome that. There's something very satisfying in hearing melodies and chords that I've put together, even if no one else cares for it.

My dream has always been to be a composer. I'm not sure why. It's not like I walk around with melodies swirling around in my head all the time. I think inspiration is real, and I love when I'm struck with it. I also think that the craft of composition is very important, and I actually love the technical side of it. I think Brahms once said that the key to a great piece of music (one that stands the test of time) is both inspiration and craft. It's one thing to be inspired and just vomit a bunch of music onto a page (or recording software), but that could end up just being an emotional blob that is cool for a little while but can't survive (i.e., most pop music). The other side of that is a well-crafted piece that is only well-crafted. There's tons of music that is long-forgotten because it follows all the rules but is not inspired. Lots of composers were hired by royalty to compose music weekly (or daily) for whatever reason, and you can't expect completely inspired music to come from that type of schedule.

My conclusion is this: I'm scared. I want to write music that is not just "adding to the noise" as Switchfoot once sang about. I'm worried that the feeling of discovery was in my teen years, and there's no more inspiration to be found. I'm nervous that I don't have the commercial appeal to make a living at this. I'm scared that I won't want to be as vulnerable and open as an artist has to be. Well, at least I've got the insecurities every artist has to deal with. I think I'm on the right track.

so. late.

i still am not sure why i'm still up. i'm beyond my ability to do anymore work. i've been spending my time lately doing arrangements for a new worship music resource site a friend is developing. tomorrow i should finish the last of the five songs i was supposed to have completed by last week. and, i'll be going tomorrow to pick up some files to start the next project, which is going to be alot of work in a little bit of time.

this has been a strange few months. i'm more overwhelmed than usual. i'm trying to do too much, but for good reason. nobody pays me anything. i've got a 30 hour job that doesn't support my family, so i've gotta do free-lance stuff "on the side" to make up for it. the only problem is that my "on the side" jobs probably could add up to a full-time job themselves. some of them are simple gigs that make me an easy one or two hundred bucks. some have been much more involved, but have promised nice pay. they just haven't actually paid. half of the stuff i'm working on right now doesn't pay up front, but could actually make some good money on the back end. i'm hoping for that.

i feel like it's a huge ball that i'm trying to get rolling, and there's lots of obstacles and it's really hard, and i'm distracted, and discouraged. but once that ball gets some momentum, i won't have to push so hard. i'm not sure where they come from, but i get brief glances of what my life could look like, and that keeps me working toward my goals. i've never had to work so hard towards something. most of the time i just let life happen and i roll with the punches. but i've set my sights a little higher this time, and realized that there's a bit of a journey to make it where i want to go.

i'm learning how i work best, and what i really love, and even new things that i'm good at. this year has been enlightening like that. my main obstacles are time and money right now. i need to spend money to do the things i want to do to make money. i'm trying hard to find the balance, and i think it's good to have incentive to work hard when it means paying off the bills from those investments. time is hard to control, too. it's really frustrating to have a job that requires so much time spent on meaningless things, when i know i can work a quarter of the time for the same money. but, a salary is steady income. that's important right now.

this blog wasn't really for you, reader. it's 3:45am and i'm just venting. i'll look back on this post in a few months and probably not remember writing it, but i'll remember feeling this way. or i'll read it tomorrow, regret being so open, and erase it.

Content ... how about some?

Wow, I left you with a FaceBook survey for my last blog 6 months ago? I'm so sorry. The last 6 months have flown by, of course, but have been pretty good. I'm still working at the church, and Bethany is still part time at her psychiatric hospital (giving, not receiving care). The summer schedule of youth camps was light, but the few we did were really great. The 220 camps were spectacular. God wrestled with our "unbelief" and strengthened our faith in what he can do, and IS STILL DOING here on this earth today.

There were alot of great stories, but one that sticks out in my mind was from Monday evening of camp, in Longview, TX. We were given word of a woman--a friend of one of our leaders--who was diagnosed with cancer and had found out that the cancer had spread to her muscles. I don't know alot about cancer, but I'm sure that's not a good thing. She was going Tuesday morning for a follow-up visit, so we prayed that she would be healed. The report Tuesday evening was that the same doctor that found cancer in her muscles COULD NOT FIND CANCER. Does your God still do miracles?

Besides church and home life, I'm venturing out a little. I'm preparing my songlist so I can get out and start playing some music around Cypress. I'm hoping that will be a good outlet for me, and some extra cash. I'm also getting into composing film/TV music. I did a project for a church this summer that was tons of fun and sort of rekindled a passion I once had to compose for visual media. I'm attending a conference in a few months that will give me some guidelines for getting into this business, hopefully giving me a good step towards some fun projects.

I'm going to let my little girl help me update the last few months, so here's some pictures:

We bought our first house! I think it was the 7th or 8th house we looked at with the realtor. It met all our needs, was in great condition, and was in our price range. We LOVE it and excitedly continue to make it more and more look like "ours."

And finally, two weeks ago, my piano arrived, so it's now a "home."

Bella enjoyed her first trip to a beach this summer, as we went to hang out and lead worship for the youth ministry at our church.

She's getting older. Somehow each stage of life gets better than the last.

Two weeks ago, she turned 1! Our little girl is walking all over the place, into EVERYTHING. She is so much fun to play with. She mimics us, and even copies the inflections in our voices. She's saying several syllables, and a few actually mean something. What a joy.

Sojourn "Advent Songs"

Three of the last four years, I've recorded on Christmas albums. I only tell you this because it means that I start listening to Christmas music in July or August. Then, by December, when everybody else is ready for it, I'm already tired of it. Either that, or it looses its specialness because it's not attached to a season anymore.

Well, this year I found a CD that I actually am enjoying listening to. ALOT. Very rarely do CDs get more than 1 or 2 spins in my car before they join the rotation. I think I played this one for a week straight, and there's only 8 songs. This is an EP from a church community in Louisville called "Sojourn." Most of the songs are "Advent" related, so they speak much of the coming of Christ, and a preparation for Christmas. I love these versions of "Joy to the World" and "O Come, O Come, Emanuel." My favorite original is "Glory Be." You should really get this EP. You can pay whatever you want to for it, or download it for free by telling 5 friends. iTunes also sells it for less than 8 bucks. It's worth the money.

Vote for Shepherd

I don't usually support politics, but I really think this video needs to be seen. Mostly because the music is SO inspiring. I don't support, or un-support anything this commercial says. I do support the music, though. And I think you should support the music, too. And the guy that wrote it. I heard he just had a baby.

"May" I begin...

...by saying it's already May. Ugh, why do i even bother with statements like that.

Three days from now, I will be a future father who is aware of the gender of his unborn child. I'm sure that this whole situation is going to all of a sudden take a new light. It's not that I'm in some kind of denial about having a kid, it's just that I think Monday is going to change my outlook about it a bit. It'll become a little less dream, alot more reality. After Monday, we'll know if we'll be tripping over teacups or hotwheels. We'll know if it's tutu's or baseball gloves; Dora or Thomas. Our "it" will have a name.

If you've asked me recently which I'd prefer, I've probably said it doesn't matter, but I think a little girl would be fun. Well, I went to a Little League game the other day to watch my cousin, Austin, play. And now, I'm thinking about how fun it would be to teach my son how to play baseball, and sit on the stands with the other parents. WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN!!!!! I am supposed to be wishing I was touring the world as a rock star and staying out late partying with my hot wife. Or not. I want to watch Baby Einstein and go to Little League games and have a big-eyed girl or boy call me "Daddio." And I want to watch my hot wife take care of our little one and blossom into the amazing mother I know she will be. So, boy or girl, doesn't matter to me. As long as it's healthy, and something other than an "it."

Oh yeah, and shame on society for not letting me know how much this was all going to cost. I'm slowly finding out everything, but I wish I could just get a pamphlet that says "This is what it's going to cost - Start saving." I'm sure we'll be ok financially; I just feel a bit overwhelmed going from "completely naive" to "somewhat educated but still very confused."

In music news, I've got alot of recording coming up. Next week Max Cat will be recording a Gloria Estefan song for a "music video" we shot at the zoo a few weeks ago. I'm doing my best to make sure it's done to the highest quality we can. Also, I've got another string session with Producer, Mike Thompson, of Ivory Tower Productions. I just did some work with him a few weeks ago, and he's got another artist he'd like me to work with. The music is really cool, so I'm looking forward to working on it. I'm also getting ready to record keys and some strings for my friend Donna Stuart. She's getting her record started this week, and Jill Paquette is producing it.

Of course, there's also the other standard restaurants, weddings, churches, etc, that I play at often. If I had the patience I would update my myspace calendar so you could see me play. But I don't have that patience often. Maybe someday.

New Myspace Page

I have a new endeavor. I'm now going public with my string arranging and recording, and last night released the new Myspace page of Avenue I Strings. If you're on myspace, please add me as a friend, and tell your friends to do the same (especially musicians and bands). I'm hoping this page will bring in some new experiences and work outside of my little south Texas circle. And I won't lie, I wouldn't mind a little extra money with baby on the way.

www.myspace.com/avenueistrings

Prayer Hour

This is a video I was hired to underscore. "Pastor Shepherd" is the father of one of my guitar students. Obviously, this is satire, so don't take it too seriously. He's got several different videos on YouTube, but so far I think this is the funniest one.





IN OTHER NEWS:

Life is good. Bethany and I somehow got ourselves on a crazy sleeping schedule this week where we go to bed between 3-4am and sleep till 11-12. It works ok for us during the week, since she works till almost midnight anyway, but Sunday's gonna come tomorrow morning, and my body is going to hate me for waking up in "the middle of the night" when 7am rolls around.

We've started looking at new living options once the baby arrives. We'll probably stay at these apartments until our lease is up in Nov. We'd love to move into a house, but are a little overwhelmed by some of the costs involved. Especially since we really hadn't been saving or preparing for this yet. We're just to the point where I feel like our monthly finances have started to settle enough to figure out a budget. But nooooooo, now we've gotta turn everything around and focus on the future more. I'm very thankful that we got our life insurance taken care of before we found out about the baby. I would never have even known where to start thinking about all that stuff, so thanks to our agent Jarred for calling me and gently explaining everything.

Life is definitely coming at us fast. Seems like just a year ago we were dating. Oh yeah, we were just dating a year ago. We weren't even engaged yet. Now, we're looking at houses, shopping for baby furniture, and deciding which instruments our kids will play! I'm only slightly freaked out. I don't mean that sarcastically, either. I'm happy about all the changes. I'm excited to have a family.

This is Josh, signing off.

Nothing Important

I don't really have anything profound to say today. I'm just kind of restless and bored, so I thought I'd post a picture, talk about what's been happening lately, and just kill some more time.

I'm off today. I like days off. I started out really slow today, though, by waking up around noon, and going straight to the computer. That usually sets up my day to be all about bumming around on the computer. Then I decide to take a break for my eyes, and sit in front of the TV. Not a very productive day, but if I'm not spending money, I have no problems sitting around not making any.

I didn't even answer my phone today. Sometimes I just can't talk to people about what they want from me next. I need a day to think that I control what I do. So, I'm sorry if I screened your call today, but more than likely you were calling me to tell me something I need to do or somewhere I need to be, and it can wait. I honestly believe that the convenience of cell phones is more for the owner, not the caller. I don't have a phone so everybody can get a hold of me whenever they want. Certain people have that privilege, of course, but I need the ability to be unreachable sometimes.

One thing I did today was play a bit on my Rhodes 88. I don't do that much, mostly because it doesn't sound that great right now. It needs some servicing, which I could do myself, I just don't really know how. And I don't know where to take it in Houston, so it's just going to sit most of the time for now, looking THIS COOL:



Cool story about that piano. A guy at my dad's church was wanting to get rid of it and told my dad about it, but had given it to someone else. So my dad was talking to the new owner, and he didn't really need it, he just didn't want it to be thrown away. So, he got it for me. Now I have a 1978 Rhodes suitcase piano. It's missing the amp, but works Ok if I just plug into another amp from the accessory output.

I scored my first "soundtrack" last week. It wasn't anything big, just a 30 second commercial for my church's Easter service. It was a bit frustrating, because they didn't give me much time to do it. But, I was excited about the opportunity, so I stayed up all night Wednesday working on it. The next morning, after maybe 2-3 hours sleep, everybody that heard it loved it, then I got the "but.....it's not exactly what we were hoping for." I was supposed to copy some other commercial they were basing theirs off, but I was given reference to movies and soundtracks that didn't sound like the original commercial. I changed elements of it over and over, until they were somewhat happy. After 7 drafts, I finally have 30 seconds of music. Even so, they wanted me to change stuff, but I couldn't do any more. It's not mixed/mastered yet, so here's the rough version:



I find it interesting that the colors of dark chocolate M&M's are slightly lighter than milk chocolate M&M's. They also taste better.

I can't wait till this kid is born, then I can share all of that wisdom with him/her.

Alot Going On

There is way too much happening lately. I feel like I'm being completely run over by life. Not that everything is bad, there's just so much going on, it's hard to keep up.

I finally "finished" my latest recording project. That's a long story that needs not be repeated. We'll just say I learned alot, and I'm glad it's over. You can probably find it somewhere in the near future. Myspace, or something. I honestly don't care. And I hate that this is my attitude about it all. But, I find that "I don't care" is much easier than continuing to be upset over circumstances. I've got better things to think about lately.

This week has been crazy busy. The absolute highlight of my week was Thursday night, when I saw Bethany for maybe 3 hours. It's getting harder and harder to be apart from her. I wasn't expecting that. It might be because our times together have gotten shorter and shorter, and have recently included other people (we're really fond of time spent between just the two of us). Maybe I'm realizing I need her more than I knew before. I'm a guy, so I'm not supposed to be open about that, am I? I need her, though. It's becoming that much more frustrating, though, that she's not here with me. I could write for another three hours on how I feel about that, but I won't. I have less than two weeks to survive before she can be with me. And the first thing we're doing once we're together is going on a long vacation ... I can't complain about that.

Beyond seeing her a few hours this week, I feel like I've played every ounce of musical creativity I can muster. Literally, within one week, I played with a salsa band, a jazz band, a country band, a worship band, an acousti-folk artist, and a church orchestra. I'm spent, but there's one more gig tonight. Then I get to move into our new apartment tomorrow, assuming the power company will provide an account number before then, so we can prove we bought power and can move in.

It was quite a pain this week, trying to get everything the power company needed from me. They needed stuff faxed to them, or scanned and emailed, and I couldn't do either of those from home, so I had to fit in everything in between teaching lessons at Second Baptist. Oh yeah, and my car was broken into Monday, so there's been that to deal with this week. They stole a ton of stuff, most of it critical to my work, so I've been trying to figure out how to replace it. Bethany's jewelry (ALL of it) was stolen, so I've been trying to buy her stuff here and there so she's got something to wear on our honeymoon.

I'm tired of the attacks. I'm tired of the Enemy trying to sabotage our wedding and marriage. Maybe that's too pentecostal of me to point to demonic attack for stuff ... but I can't figure out what else it could be. Why else would cell phones all of a sudden stop sounding clear, and never have signal when bethany and I needed to talk? It's the one form of communication we have, and it frustrates us more than allows us to talk. Why else would my car get broken into the week before my busiest gigging weekend in a while, and three weeks before our wedding? Why else would her jewelry have been left in my car that one time? Why is there something new wrong with my car every time i walk outside to drive it? There's other things. ... There's TONS of other things. Too many list, and too personal to talk about.

I dunno, maybe every guy goes through this when they're so close to marriage, and can't see their fiancee more than a few hours a week, if that. Almost there. My next post will either be more depressing or post-wedding. See ya