Blog.Erase.Blog.Erase.Blog about erased blog.

There's been maybe three blogs in the last month that I've started and erased. This is mostly because I would start writing something that seemed like a good idea, but then I realized there ended up being no real conclusion to what I was trying to say. I think in pictures sometimes, and I can catch a glimpse of an idea all at once, and it makes sense, but if I try to pick it apart and write about it, step by step, it's a little inconclusive. 

For example, I realized I don't like maintenance. Oh! The blog on that topic was going to be monumental in its content and relevance. I had all these examples lined up, like how I wish you could just buy a car and it worked perfectly until you got a new one. I don't like having to get the oil changed and spending money on other maintenance. 

I was going to talk about how I don't like making the bed, because you're just going to mess it up that night and have to make it again in the morning. I don't like having to squeegee the water off the glass shower. I don't like that software and hardware get old and need replacing (usually all at the same time). 

These things have alot to do with how my personality works, I guess. I don't like mundane repeated tasks. 

The point at which I erased this blog was where I started to realize that these "mundane" things went deeper, and I realized that's why relationships can be difficult for me sometimes. I enjoy relationships (and I realize their importance), but sometimes the "maintenance" of relationships gets in my way so that I can't enjoy the beauty of my humanity relating to another's. I tend to look at things from a "task" perspective, so that even relationships can feel like work. One of the scariest things about marriage to me is the constant maintenance it has required, and will require. I know it's worth it, and I accept the challenge because I know it's been given by God. He wouldn't have given me a wife (or child, for that matter) if he knew I couldn't handle it.  

That's where I'm growing, and I guess I worried that sharing an area of growth, instead of an area of victory, would be too honest for a blog. ... And now I've blogged it.

 

"Then"

I had a thought today. Of course, I can't remember what it was now...... 

Oh yes, let's see where this goes: 

How often do you say, "I can't wait until..."? I think that way too often. It always seems like the next chapter of life will be so much clearer and better. When I was in high school, I couldn't wait until college. In college I couldn't wait to be out of college. Then I couldn't wait to date someone, then I couldn't wait to be engaged, to be married. Once I was married, my next "can't wait" happened before I could really wish for it. I could have waited a little longer for a kid :-). But this is what we've been given. Now I can't wait for her to crawl or talk, then it'll be walking, school, bikes, .... I always think the next step will bring less stress, less confusion, more opportunity. I guess every chapter in life has to have its conflict, right? 

I know the churchy answers, that we're supposed to find contentment now, that tomorrow isn't promised, etc. But how? How do I make life work NOW when I think next year will be easier? I know full well that next year will be even harder, and I'll think "next year" will be easier. But something keeps me positive thinking that things will "smooth out" or we'll find some kind of "groove" to settle in. 

I'm not sure I'm making a lot of sense right now, and I definitely know I'm not concluding with any sure answer here. Actually, I'm not even quite sure of what my question is. Things really are great right now; I don't want to miss that by wishing it was later, because the concept of "later" is going to get smaller and smaller, and I'll start wishing it was "then." 

Those Were the Days

I remember days when I used to actually read books, and write songs, and journal, and sit down at a piano or guitar for hours. Where did that time go? I even remember days when I would know exactly what I wanted to write in a blog, and I would write it. Most of the time I would be sitting alone at Starbucks, acting like the quiet artistic type. It was so much more inspiring to sit and think that people might wonder what I was writing.

Not that sitting here watching my daughter's eyes get heavy while she swings is not inspiration enough. I can't tell you how overwhelming it is sometimes to stare into her face, or see her grin, and know that this is my daughter.


I'll be honest; I get pretty caught up in the logistics of life these days, and I forget to just sit and observe. Maybe that's the difference between now, and back when I used to read and write and journal. I've always been an observer. I've always quietly placed myself a little outside from the action to watch, learn, and analyze. Now it seems like there's so much to do that I don't have much chance to look around.

I received one of those thought-provoking emails that was forwarded to 30 other people besides me. These are usually thrown right into the trash, but today I read (meaning skimmed) the words that were sent. (BTW, I'll probably die in 7 days for not sending the email to at least 10 people,... so, .... um, my bad). I honestly don't really remember what all it said, I just remember a line that was something like "we've learned to make a living, not a life."

I love that my favorite hobby is my career. I'm thrilled at the experiences and opportunities it has brought my way. Part of me, of course, wants to be "known" as someone who is important to my field. I had a strange observation yesterday of certain circles I used to be in, how they keep rolling, with different personnel; And I don't fit in anymore. Those circles were what I needed at the time, and I moved on. I think that's a healthy way to live and grow. I can't say that my "circle" right now is exactly what I was expecting for this point in my life. But, I also don't think my heightened sense of "entitlement" is of God, so I embrace where I am and what I'm doing as God's provision.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not upset that my career goals for age 27 look different than current reality. How stupid I would be to look at that and wonder where my life's purpose was ... when my life's purpose is 5 feet away in a battery-powered swing (I will NEVER understand why they can't just add a simple A/C adapter to these things).



I've talked about it before, and now is the time where I start speaking things that I know are true, but are harder to believe are true.

I do music. I am not music. "Musician" qualifies me as someone in this society who earns money to provide for a family. I don't do fatherhood, I AM a father. "Husband" is not an activity, it's an identity. In ten years, no one will care which CDs I played on, or which artists I've played for (as if anyone cared now), what will matter is how much love and peace is found in my home. What will matter is how much my daughter trusts me, and how close we are because of quality time spent together. What will matter is how in love I am with my wife, even after 11 years, in my late 30s (*shudder*). Yes, I admit I want my family to be proud of what I do, and what I've done, and continue to have reasons to be proud of my accomplishments. But more than that (naming it, claiming it here), I want for them to be proud of the love they receive from a dad who is there, who pays attention, who teaches, who leads, who provides, and who might be a little quiet and withdrawn at times, just observing the blessings that he has.


This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for my own little family. I'm thankful for my dream girl, who liked me enough to marry me and combine our life's journeys. I'm thankful for my little dream girl, a complete surprise and an even more complete joy.

I'm also thankful for Flikr, and my ability to completely ruin a moment. :-) Have a good holiday! Eat more than you should!

I like pictures

It's been a while since I've posted, and I am sorry about that.

I'm going to try to give an update on everything in my life in one post, and show you a few pictures. 1, 2, 3, ... go.

I'm nearing 2 months as a worship leader at a church in Cypress, TX. It's been a pretty good time so far. I'm learning alot, but nothing that's really changing my views of worship, which is reassuring. I'm still convinced that church needs to be simpler than we make it. I'm not so sure God cares about production and presentation as much as we think. Something about man looking at the outer appearance, but God .... something about a heart, i don't know, i heard it once. So, needless to say (well, needless to me), I'm really working hard on heart issues at church. Hopefully the "success" we gain in those matters will overshadow any success or lack of success that we achieve in the numbers game. I can't tell you how lonely it feels sometimes to think that way.


Bella is the most amazing little girl ever, of course. She's starting to smile more and more, which is fun. A few weeks ago we took her to a pumpkin patch and got some great pictures with the pumpkins and in her kitty costume. She's 10 pounds and just got her 2 month shots yesterday. She did really great, and didn't cry too much (because Daddy was holding her). Later in the evening, though, she must've gotten sore or started feeling bad, because she was screaming. It was the first time she's cried like that, poor little thing. Today she's doing great, just swinging and sleeping.


I've had a crazy week. Wednesday night I got to play a pre-Latin Grammies gig at the House of Blues. Originally we were told that it was a party being thrown by Beyonce Knowles, for 600-800 people. I'm not sure how that got confused, because there were only maybe 125, and she wasn't one of them. I heard the next day that Latin Grammy rehearsal ran long, till 1am, so maybe some of those people were supposed to come. I don't know, I just got some fun stage pictures, so I'm happy.

The next night, Thursday, I got to play violin with a string ensemble in the Latin Grammies. We played with Tommy Torres. I'm still waiting to see if anybody posts it on Youtube, but nothing yet. It was a really long day, we were there 13 1/2 hours, and only played for 3 minutes or so. But, it was a great experience, and fun to see behind the scenes of a show like that. Gloria Estefan walked about 20 feet away from us while we were waiting to go onstage.


Bethany is an amazing mother. She went through alot in the last year, leaving her family and cleaving to me, moving in with a boy, having a child. Pretty big adjustments. I'm proud of her. I couldn't ask for a better wife and mother of our child. She's pretty, too.
On Monday we celebrate our first anniversary! I'm not even sure what to think about that. I figured it would be a whirlwind year, but had no idea our lives would change so much. We're looking forward to a trip to Ft. Worth Sunday, first to play a gig with the John Sherrill Band, then dropping Bella off with Bethany's parents so we can spend the day alone in downtown Ft. Worth. It's no Italy, but it'll do.

In other news, I got my car back after a month in the shop. I ended up getting a new engine put in, thanks State Farm for helping that happen. We're also trying to figure out a new living arrangement. Our cute little one bedroom, one bath apartment worked very nicely for the two of us, but is starting to get pretty cramped. I'm still loving the new Nikon D80 camera, and I think today I'll post some pictures I've taken. Talk to you soon!

1 For You; 19 For Me

Following a very dear, time-honored tradition, I did my taxes on April 14. For the first time ever, I actually am expecting money back from the ol' government. It's an amazing feeling...almost so good that I might be more inclined to do my taxes earlier next year. See, usually I put it off, because who wants to sit there and watch the red dollar amount on Turbo Tax go up and up and up? I almost felt bad watching the green number go up (legally, of course). But, I figured since that's sort of the point, why question it?

I just glanced over at the "Baby Countdown" to the right on this page. I won't lie. Our baby is looking very human. It's so strange. I know that's not technically our baby, but ours looks similar to that. It's inside my wife. And we're going to raise it. And I get to watch it enter this world. So many things I don't know if I'm ready for. I also thought the "Baby Countdown" kid looked like he was holding a coffee cup. Yes, that would be our child.

I've got some pictures to share. This is a recent gig with Yelba & Max Cat, at the Houston Zoo.



This is how we roll. Nature, music, unamplified electric instruments.



I feel like I'm just now getting somewhat caught up from last week. I even starting this blog early last week and am just now finding time to finish it. Here's what the week looked like:

Friday (11th): Had to be at school at 9:40 to teach my class, then found out the class met at 8:30. Awesome. I practiced for an hour then went to a recording session from 11a-5p. Then drove home (in Friday evening traffic) with enough time to change shirts, collect Bethany, and drive to my gig. Played 8p-12a.
Saturday: 4:30am, Bethany woke up in tons of pain, so we went to the ER. Two kidney stones later, got home around 11:30a. Hung out with my parents for a few minutes till they sent me to bed, and we slept until 7, when her parents showed up and took us to dinner. I cancelled my gig that night and we watched movies together.
Sunday: Played two church services, then played at an H.E.B. market for 4 hours. Got home and watched more movies, still exhausted.
Monday: Ob-Gyn visit. Someone screwed up our chart, so they were treating us like we were at 10wks when we were at 14. It was confusing, but I think we got it taken care of. We scheduled our big anatomy scan for May 5!!! We'll find out the gender then, and make sure everything's fine with the babes (mom and little one).
Tuesday: Recording session 9:30-5:30 with a break in there for me to teach my class. Then drove to Montgomery for a rehearsal with the John Sherrill Band. Got done a little before midnight, drove an hour back home.
Wednesday: Taught my class and lessons all afternoon, drove to the Woodlands for Max Cat rehearsal. I left there around midnight.
Thursday: Taught my class and lessons all afternoon, then drove to the Woodlands for a rehearsal/soundcheck for the John Sherrill CD release concert. We finished at 12:30, and I didn't get home until 1:30. I stayed up later than I should've, probably went to bed around 3 or 4, and didn't sleep well.
Friday: Another recording session 10a-5p, then drove to the Woodlands to play at Kirby's steakhouse 7:30-11:30. Got home after midnight.
Saturday: Arrived at the zoo at 8:30a, with Bethany, and set up. We played 11-3, with two 30 minute breaks that were filled with shooting a music video. That was more work than playing, and I was already exhausted. After the zoo, we went home for a few minutes and then drove back to Kirby's to play 7:30-11:30.
Sunday: Showed up to the Woodlands United Methodist church at 7:45 to set up and play two services with the John Sherrill Band. Then ate with them, rehearsed all afternoon, and played the CD release show that night. After dinner with friends, we got home, and I slept for probably 11 hours. Then Monday, I was awake less than 12 hours before falling asleep again. I feel rested now.

Wow. Now you know my life. This week is so much simpler. Except I forgot about a makeup piano lesson this afternoon. Oops. Didn't mean to do that. I'm going to scavenge for some dinner.

Prayer Hour

This is a video I was hired to underscore. "Pastor Shepherd" is the father of one of my guitar students. Obviously, this is satire, so don't take it too seriously. He's got several different videos on YouTube, but so far I think this is the funniest one.





IN OTHER NEWS:

Life is good. Bethany and I somehow got ourselves on a crazy sleeping schedule this week where we go to bed between 3-4am and sleep till 11-12. It works ok for us during the week, since she works till almost midnight anyway, but Sunday's gonna come tomorrow morning, and my body is going to hate me for waking up in "the middle of the night" when 7am rolls around.

We've started looking at new living options once the baby arrives. We'll probably stay at these apartments until our lease is up in Nov. We'd love to move into a house, but are a little overwhelmed by some of the costs involved. Especially since we really hadn't been saving or preparing for this yet. We're just to the point where I feel like our monthly finances have started to settle enough to figure out a budget. But nooooooo, now we've gotta turn everything around and focus on the future more. I'm very thankful that we got our life insurance taken care of before we found out about the baby. I would never have even known where to start thinking about all that stuff, so thanks to our agent Jarred for calling me and gently explaining everything.

Life is definitely coming at us fast. Seems like just a year ago we were dating. Oh yeah, we were just dating a year ago. We weren't even engaged yet. Now, we're looking at houses, shopping for baby furniture, and deciding which instruments our kids will play! I'm only slightly freaked out. I don't mean that sarcastically, either. I'm happy about all the changes. I'm excited to have a family.

This is Josh, signing off.

Honeymoon Pics

Our honeymoon was in Italy. We spent a few days in Rome, then headed north to Florence for a few days, then over to Venice for a few days, then back to Rome again. We were gone for 9 days, and loved every minute.



Visiting the Colosseum



A Square in Florence



Beautiful bride






Sticking our hands in the mouth of the thing




GELATO!




Looooooong train ride




Friendly birds in Venice

A Few More Wedding Pics

More Wedding Pictures

Catching Up

I didn't really post much between November and February, so I'm going to do that now. During that time I got married, and honeymooned in Italy. Here's a few pictures from the ceremony, if you didn't get to see it:

Alot Going On

There is way too much happening lately. I feel like I'm being completely run over by life. Not that everything is bad, there's just so much going on, it's hard to keep up.

I finally "finished" my latest recording project. That's a long story that needs not be repeated. We'll just say I learned alot, and I'm glad it's over. You can probably find it somewhere in the near future. Myspace, or something. I honestly don't care. And I hate that this is my attitude about it all. But, I find that "I don't care" is much easier than continuing to be upset over circumstances. I've got better things to think about lately.

This week has been crazy busy. The absolute highlight of my week was Thursday night, when I saw Bethany for maybe 3 hours. It's getting harder and harder to be apart from her. I wasn't expecting that. It might be because our times together have gotten shorter and shorter, and have recently included other people (we're really fond of time spent between just the two of us). Maybe I'm realizing I need her more than I knew before. I'm a guy, so I'm not supposed to be open about that, am I? I need her, though. It's becoming that much more frustrating, though, that she's not here with me. I could write for another three hours on how I feel about that, but I won't. I have less than two weeks to survive before she can be with me. And the first thing we're doing once we're together is going on a long vacation ... I can't complain about that.

Beyond seeing her a few hours this week, I feel like I've played every ounce of musical creativity I can muster. Literally, within one week, I played with a salsa band, a jazz band, a country band, a worship band, an acousti-folk artist, and a church orchestra. I'm spent, but there's one more gig tonight. Then I get to move into our new apartment tomorrow, assuming the power company will provide an account number before then, so we can prove we bought power and can move in.

It was quite a pain this week, trying to get everything the power company needed from me. They needed stuff faxed to them, or scanned and emailed, and I couldn't do either of those from home, so I had to fit in everything in between teaching lessons at Second Baptist. Oh yeah, and my car was broken into Monday, so there's been that to deal with this week. They stole a ton of stuff, most of it critical to my work, so I've been trying to figure out how to replace it. Bethany's jewelry (ALL of it) was stolen, so I've been trying to buy her stuff here and there so she's got something to wear on our honeymoon.

I'm tired of the attacks. I'm tired of the Enemy trying to sabotage our wedding and marriage. Maybe that's too pentecostal of me to point to demonic attack for stuff ... but I can't figure out what else it could be. Why else would cell phones all of a sudden stop sounding clear, and never have signal when bethany and I needed to talk? It's the one form of communication we have, and it frustrates us more than allows us to talk. Why else would my car get broken into the week before my busiest gigging weekend in a while, and three weeks before our wedding? Why else would her jewelry have been left in my car that one time? Why is there something new wrong with my car every time i walk outside to drive it? There's other things. ... There's TONS of other things. Too many list, and too personal to talk about.

I dunno, maybe every guy goes through this when they're so close to marriage, and can't see their fiancee more than a few hours a week, if that. Almost there. My next post will either be more depressing or post-wedding. See ya