Blog.Erase.Blog.Erase.Blog about erased blog.

There's been maybe three blogs in the last month that I've started and erased. This is mostly because I would start writing something that seemed like a good idea, but then I realized there ended up being no real conclusion to what I was trying to say. I think in pictures sometimes, and I can catch a glimpse of an idea all at once, and it makes sense, but if I try to pick it apart and write about it, step by step, it's a little inconclusive. 

For example, I realized I don't like maintenance. Oh! The blog on that topic was going to be monumental in its content and relevance. I had all these examples lined up, like how I wish you could just buy a car and it worked perfectly until you got a new one. I don't like having to get the oil changed and spending money on other maintenance. 

I was going to talk about how I don't like making the bed, because you're just going to mess it up that night and have to make it again in the morning. I don't like having to squeegee the water off the glass shower. I don't like that software and hardware get old and need replacing (usually all at the same time). 

These things have alot to do with how my personality works, I guess. I don't like mundane repeated tasks. 

The point at which I erased this blog was where I started to realize that these "mundane" things went deeper, and I realized that's why relationships can be difficult for me sometimes. I enjoy relationships (and I realize their importance), but sometimes the "maintenance" of relationships gets in my way so that I can't enjoy the beauty of my humanity relating to another's. I tend to look at things from a "task" perspective, so that even relationships can feel like work. One of the scariest things about marriage to me is the constant maintenance it has required, and will require. I know it's worth it, and I accept the challenge because I know it's been given by God. He wouldn't have given me a wife (or child, for that matter) if he knew I couldn't handle it.  

That's where I'm growing, and I guess I worried that sharing an area of growth, instead of an area of victory, would be too honest for a blog. ... And now I've blogged it.