Right now...

I'm always wary about what to write on these blogs. I mean, how much
should I really reveal about myself to whatever random person decides
to read this?

I'm a very private person. I am extremely choosey about who I decide
to open up to. I'm untrusting. I can't tell if that's a good thing or
a bad thing.

I can tell that I'm in an annoyingly loud Starbucks, and I'm
putting in headphones. They are singing the orders in broadway musical
voices, which is just a little too much excitement for my barely awake
mind. Yes, 1:15pm, barely awake.

So, back to my privacy. I struggle between desiring community and
openness and transparency, and my own tendencies to be reserved and
private. I don't like overbearing people all up in my business. I'm
intensely independent, to the point that I'm almost offended if a
suggestion comes at the wrong time from the wrong person. It takes
alot for me to feel comfortable around other people. It takes a strong
confidence that I don't often have.

I guess I don't mind when people suggest things to me, but I think
people might confuse my lack of action or word as a loss for
direction. That's usually not true. I think before I act, and most
likely I'll have a whole situation worked out before I make the first
move.

Maybe it just freaks me out to think that people observe me and take
notice of what I do and say. I usually just want to sneak by
unnoticed. I don't like attention much, I get uncomfortable when I'm
singled out of a group (even family and close friends). I like to
quietly do my thing. I like one-on-one conversations and interactions.

I've been realizing some of the inner struggles of my heart and mind
over the last few years, as I've gotten to know some of the inner
struggles of another heart. It's been scary, it's been frustrating.
I'm sure we all fight with some sort of self-righteousness. I thought
I was humble. Ha! I'm much more selfish than I could have imagined. I
do believe, though, that a close relationship (such as marriage)
should reveal your selfishness or it's not doing its job. I'm
overwhelmed right now with who I am, but I'm confident that God is
working in me, and using Bethany to shape me into the man I'm supposed
to be.

I get overwhelmed when I look at who I wish I was, or who I could be
right now. "If only I'd read my Bible every day in college," "If only
I had a church home for those 6 years I was playing at different
churches each week," "If only I was more spiritual, then I'd be more
apt to get out and serve and less apt to sit around wishing I was more
spiritual and ready to be out serving and making a difference." It's
sad for me to look back and miss how things were in 9th grade.

I've got enough smarts to know, though, that God loves and can use the
man I am right now... this unshowered, unshaved, quiet guy, sitting in
the Starbucks, missing his fiancee, wondering if he's good enough for
her, ashamed at his current heart condition, trying to remember if
he's always been this quiet or if it's a result of too much time spent
alone... that guy. God can use me now. Maybe the forced smile I gave
to the Waffle House waitress today was just what she needed. Maybe the
bottled water I gave the weasely lawn guy that I don't trust was
exactly what he was praying for, if he does pray.

Yes, God can use me for bigger things. Or, God could not use me at
all. Why do I always think God has to use me for huge things? God
doesn't need me. At all. I forget that real life is ministry. I keep
thinking God's about to allow me these huge oppertunities, so I sit at
home waiting for them, and come out sometimes, but don't interact with
people if I can help it, and I treat "small" gigs like nuisances. I'd
probably find more joy if I was a little more involved in life's
details.

I hope that wasn't too revealing. I guess we all have this desire to
be known, just some of us lack the courage and voice to let ourselves
be known. Even more, I think, we have a desire to be known, and loved
in light of it.